Whiter Than Snow

"Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; 

Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow."

~Psalm 51:7

It's dark, this feeling of remorse. I know that there isn't anything I can do to rid myself of it. No matter how many times I exercise my own strength, its still not enough.

I walk through the house, pulling doors shut and covering the windows with any sheet or board that I can get my hands on. I don't want You to see me like this, so I think that running from You is my only solution. The truth is though, it has only grown worse with time. I trip over everything unknown, because I've closed out all the light. I can't feel You with me, because I've locked You out. All that I can think to do is give up, give up on everything. I sink to the floor and bury my face in my hands, hoping You won't see my shame, but knowing all the while that You do.

You're the only one here in these moments, speaking to me even when I choose not to listen. No one else see's these dark moments, because covering the windows has blinded their eyes from all that is going on. Closing the doors has kept them out, but I know that I can never keep You out. No door is too thick and no thorn is too sharp to scare You away.

I just don't understand it and I doubt that I ever will. Why would You care for someone like me? After all I've done and all I continue to do, it doesn't make sense.
I thought that I had reached the point of no return, ran too fast and too far, but looking down I see it now, that You've been holding my hand all along. I thought I lost You, but it was me who was lost. When I ask to be clean You do not turn away. You wash me again and I can't help but marvel at the kindness of Your heart.