I Guess That's It, Then.

I don't know where it goes sometimes. One moment you're laughing with your friends in the car, arm dangling out the window with the summer wind smacking against your skin and the stereo loud, then next thing you know you're waking up to a snowy morning. The falling leaves told me it was coming, but I didn't notice until all the trees were left bare. Change has a way of happening gradually and since it does, I hardly notice it even taking place. Once the old is gone and the new has wiggled its way into the mundane, I finally step back to realize it and then I ask myself where it went, all that time and did I spend it as I should have?

It's funny how so much can happen in just 365 days. All those emotions knitted together into one ugly sweater that fits just right. I'm glad to have it behind me now, but parts of it I know I'll always hold dear. There was pain and there was wonder, it was a beautiful kind of mess. There was growth and lots of it. Lessons were learned and made note of, so that they'd never have to repeat themselves again. There were plenty of tears, hitting rock bottom more than once and then there was victory in the practice of taking a single step at a time. I wouldn't have pictured myself here, but then again, I'm not quite sure what I would have pictured. Life has its ways of doing everything you didn't expect and sometimes its best that way.

The new year is right around the corner and to be honest I am terrified. I know that things will change and feelings will be taken away that can never be replaced. I know that life will throw its curve balls, catching me off guard and sending me tumbling down again. I know I'll make messes and let people down. I know that other people will let me down too. All I'm certain about is the uncertainty of it all and frankly that scares me, but it doesn't stop me either. There is a kind of excitement in one big slate of empty. There are moments out there waiting for me, ready to shape me into who I'm suppose to be. There is time waiting to be filled, not time waiting to be killed. 2013 is days away and I am plenty afraid, but the more I think on it, I know it is a healthy sort of fear.

I'm not going to make any great resolutions, tying myself to expectations that I might never reach. I think I'm just going to take it slow this year, putting one foot in front of the other and living in the moment. Time might never be on my side, so I'm not going to try and manipulate it any longer. I don't know how much time I have left, God only knows that, but I do know that I don't want to be selfish about it, hoarding it all to myself.

So I guess that's it then. So long, 2012. You've been interesting. I'm not sad to see you go, but I'll be taking pieces of you with me. As for you 2013...I'll see you in a couple of days.

Happy new year, friends! Thanks for stopping by and if you're reading this, please drop me a comment and let me know what's on your mind this new years. Resolutions? Reflections? Excitement? Fear? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

The Lights That Still Shine After Christmas

It's the day after Christmas and all the celebrations and traditions are behind us. We gathered up all our memories, recognized how much we are blessed and still rejoice because our Savior is with us. Lights are still wrapped along banisters and strung about the house, but even with all their colors, they could never keep out the kind of darkness that still remains for some.

Crinkled wrapping paper remains have been cleared away from the floor, but there is one gift that is yet to be unwrapped. It isn't just any gift though, it's the greatest gift of all time. It's the free gift of Christ's love and for some, it might never be opened.

The thing that saddens me most is how close the world came. It was right in front of their faces. They sang about Christ the Savior being born in Bethlehem and how He's come to save us from our sins. The words were coming out of their mouths, but their hearts didn't even begin to understand. They were looking, but they weren't really seeing. They were hearing, but they weren't even listening.

There's a broken world out there, people walk around as if they were whole, but the emptiness eats at them every day. They've walked in darkness all year long, but for 25 days in December they peeked at the light. They saw something, but they didn't know how to hold onto it. I know this because I was one of them once and let me tell you something...I saw something colorful, a love that ruled a believing life and I wanted that. I saw that joy and I knew I needed that. I turned from my sins because I was told that His arms would be wide open and they were. Another Christian showed me the light and little by little, God pulled me out of my blind cave. We've got to love like that, so that others will want to know why. We've got to walk in the light, because somewhere someone out there is hungry for change.

My sin has pulled me back for so long and even though I still cling to it sometimes, I know its time to shake it off, all that fear. If we are children of light then we'd better start acting like it, otherwise we have nothing offer to a hurting world. He is the light, we are His children and that makes us children of Light. We don't get taken down after Christmas to be stored away in the basement for next year, tempting as that is, its just not an option. A heart never has a break from beating and if it does then it becomes useless. The sun comes up every day and when it does we know its there. We have to live like that, otherwise we're as good as dark.

"He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will live to enjoy the light." ~Job 33:28

Restless

Clean this heart and make sense of it. Peel away the filth from my grasp, even though I still cling to it with these hands, I don't want it. What I want is to be rid of it.

As for the thoughts that come on me like a plague in the night, robbing me of rest at reasonable hours; let them be understood. I do not ask that You take them from me completely, for that leaves behind a certain sense of failure, puzzles that were left half-finished and then thrown back into the box.

So make sense, if You will, of these musings, because I have finally come to the end of myself. I won't pretend that my need for You is little, neither will I aim at understanding just how great my need for You really is. The arrow would never reach the mark, for the human mind is so small and I am convinced that my mind must be smaller than most's, for if it were a decent enough size, I doubt that it would threaten, as it does so often, to burst.

Just Because My Eyes Are Closed Doesn't Mean Its Dark

Rivers don't always come in water, sometimes they make appearances in the form of light. We're like little boats, floating along golden rapids. This could be beautiful, if we didn't so often keep our eyes clamped shut from seeing it. It's like we know its there, the light, but choose to hide from it. Perhaps it is the fear of being without darkness, those small tastes of shadows, the little doses that we seem to be able to justify if rationed into small proportions.

The fact is, sin is sin and darkness can never be light. I know its hard to swallow, that concept, perhaps though it isn't so much the fact itself that leaves us feeling so uneasy, but the feeling that we don't want to let go of. Its like we don't want to be separated from it, because somehow we tell ourselves we can never be complete if left without it. We all seem to land right there in the middle, lukewarm waters, half light, half dark, or so we think. There really is no middle ground. Light is light and dark is dark, so why are we so easily confused between the two?

Do you know that feeling of alarm? Perhaps you've felt it in the middle of the night, when someone flipped on the light switch when you weren't expecting it. Its not that you despised the light itself, but that you were more comfortable in the darkness. It hurts a little at first, stings the eyes and often exposes some bed head that you didn't want anyone else to see. It just takes a little getting use to, that's all. We think we're better off in the dark, but once we come out of it, awaken our senses, we see how much better it is to be living in the light.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a half lit room, like I'm pulling up that dimmer switch with all my finger muscles, but it isn't moving an inch and frankly I don't want it to. Its like I'm telling God its glued there, that I don't have any control, but I know in my head somewhere, in the back of my mind, that I'm the one holding it in place.

It's a beautiful privilege to be paddling along this river of light. The waters are liquid gold, shimmering and always pleasant. I love it here. I just wish I wouldn't cover my eyes so often, muddying the waters by indulging in the occasional shadow.