I was filled with confidence when I walked through that door. Bags in hand, head held high, but now? Now I'm not so sure what I'm even doing here. I feel lost again.
The light is starting to fade, even though I've been begging for it to stay. It doesn't listen and why should it? I have no say, no power in any of this. I'm smaller than all my fears, than the darkness. I don't have a plan, a place to lay my head tonight. I was so caught up in the moment of fear, that the idea of running seemed like my only way out, but now that I've gone all I can see are options, other ways I could have gone, or things I should have said. I crave the security of that place that I left, but I know one thing is certain...I can never go back.
I stop to take a breath. I can't remember how long its been since I've allowed myself to do just that. I close my eyes, heart throbbing wildly inside my chest, I search for answers, but I know I don't want to find them. I listen for a moment to the silence. It's too quiet. Something moves fast behind me. I stand up, eyes darting all around, trying to learn the source. I hear twigs breaking, quiet earth being interrupted by a stranger.
"Who's there?" I try to sound brave, but I've only made it known that I'm an easy target. My voice is cracking, I can barely get the words out.
I run, this time hoping to return to the place I escaped from, but I know there is just no way, I've lost it, lost myself in the process. Careless, I trip over a bush of thorns, falling to the rough ground with legs still entangled. The footsteps are only getting closer now and I wonder if in my own stupidity I have run in their direction instead of away from them. I'm terrified as I try to unwind my legs from the sharp thorns. It's no use, the hold is too strong around both my ankles. I press my bleeding fist to my forehead in frustration. Why am I here?
The footsteps have picked up in pace and I've given up all hope. Tears spill from my eyes and I have no voice. I can't even scream, but would it make any difference? Who would hear me anyway?
I jump in place, feeling a strong presence beside me. Before I can understand what's happening, one foot has already been loosed from the pointed ropes. Blood is now covering His hands, as He rips the thorns from me, fearlessly. I know who it is now and it isn't fair.
"Why did you come for me, again?" It doesn't make sense, but has it ever?
I'm freed. Freed from the branches that cut deep into my skin and their sting has no hold over me now. The cuts have healed over. I feel the smoothed skin, amazed but heartbroken as I see the scars on His hands.
"Those should be my wounds." I say, wishing I could pull back time and tell Him not to suffer. He doesn't deserve it, not even one scratch. I've run so many times and its my own fault that He comes after me. I know He will never leave me, but why does it have to hurt Him so?
The sobs control me and I can only breathe out thanks. He tells me to be still and I listen, breathing in and out deep breaths. He lifts me from the earth's floor and carries me all the way back to that narrow winding path. He tells me to be strong and gives me the strength to do so. He doesn't promise it will be easy, but He gives me His word that He will never leave. I believe it, feeling the strength of His hand that holds me. I'm walking beside Him now, listening to the calm of His voice.
"I'm sorry I ran." I know I've said this before, but He forgives me as if it were only the first time. He see's the sincerity behind it and knows my breaking heart.
I'm prone to it, the weakness, longing for the easy way out, but He holds me and no matter how far I run, how many times I fail Him, He will always come looking for me.
"Be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of age." ~Matthew 28:20
